Lovefool
by Starlight841
Summary: SPOILER ALERT! Specpiece for the aftermath of 7.21. The life of Rory Gilmore ten years later. Now with a glimpse into Logan's life!
1. Chapter 1

Before you even glance at this story I must warn you there is a **HUGE SPOILER ALERT** attached. If you don't read spoilers, don't read this until after 7.21 airs. Trust me, if you are ignorant to this spoiler, keep it that way! You have been duly warned. Do not get mad at me for ruining the episode if you choose to read beyond this point. 

The regular Author's note will take place at the end. For some reason, I don't want to give anything away before you read it this time.

**Summary:** SPOILER ALERT! Spec-piece for the aftermath of 7.21. The life of Rory Gilmore ten years later.

**Disclaimer: **Right now, more than ever in my life I wish I owned Gilmore Girls. But, alas, I do not and as a consequence all my DVD's might end up being on ebay by the end of the season.

**Lovefool**

She could see him standing there across the room, talking with associates, laughing with friends. She couldn't tell which. All she could tell as she watched him interact with the people around him was that he looked genuinely happy. In the ten years she had gone without seeing him, he had really put his life together. She made her way to the bar, smiling a bittersweet smile along the way. At least one of them did.

It wasn't that she didn't do what she had set out to do. She finally found a job a few years ago at the Boston Globe, a paper not owned by her would-be father-in-law. Apparently saying you were uninterested in becoming an addition to the Huntzberger family also meant you were uninterested in becoming an addition to any Huntzberger owned newspaper. She had applied to several papers around the area, wanting to be close to her mother. However, all of them were owned by Mitchum and all of them turned down her application without even granting an interview.

She should have known Mitchum wouldn't take kindly to the news. The thought of anyone turning down a chance to marry into his precious family was a serious blow to his ego, regardless of whether he and Logan were on speaking terms at the time or not. It was a bittersweet irony every time she was turned down. She was devastated, yet, at the same time, she felt a twinge of gratefulness. All the words she used assuring Logan that his father really did care about his well being weren't uttered in vain. It was the only power Mitchum still had over her. It was the only thing he could do get back at the girl who turned his only son into a heartbroken mess. After every negative phone call she would find herself whispering a quiet 'I told you so.'

The only comfort she had was knowing that her endless string of rejection was brought on by Mitchum and Mitchum only. She knew Logan had nothing to do with it. He would never think of crushing her dreams in such a way, though she was sure those dreams were the one thing he hated most in the world. After all, they were the reason she said no – her selfish, arrogant, omni-present dreams. She could still hear the crack in his voice when he asked why he couldn't be a part of them. To this day she didn't know the answer. No – Logan had nothing to do with it, because, even though he may have hated those dreams for breaking them apart, he loved her and she loved them. Her happiness was all that ever mattered to him.

If only she had seen how perfect he was all those years ago…

Maybe she could have loved him as much as she loved those dreams. Maybe he wouldn't have come in second. Maybe the ring he had offered her would be permanently cemented to her finger, along with another. Maybe she wouldn't feel so empty. Maybe she would be filled with life – figuratively and literally. She smiled at the thought of carrying Logan's child. It was strange how dreams could change.

The week following Logan's proposal Rory couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. The devastation of knowing she would never fall asleep in his arms again, feel his lips on hers, hear his voice whisper in her ear, be calmed by the sound of his beating heart, or become happy at the sight of his contagious smile made her mad with grief for days. Had anyone seen her they would assume her to be mourning the death of a loved one, not wallowing in a break-up that she initiated. The only thought that kept her alive was the dream she had clung to since she was a child. She told herself it was for the best.

For a while she thought she was right. When she finally gave in to the fact that Mitchum would never hire her, she packed her bags and moved to Boston. She lived with her father until she was able to find her job and the first few months she worked there she could finally say she was happy again. She bought an apartment, completely on her own, went to work everyday where she was respected and admired. She came home every night feeling satisfied. Then, she heard the news of her Grandfather's death.

Everything changed. It was when she collapsed on the floor of her bedroom in sobs that she realized she was alone. No one was there to catch her fall and she found herself reaching out to someone who wasn't there. She had gone three years without thinking of him. Yet, then, as she lay on the ground shaking in sobs, and wishing someone would come pick her up and carry her to the bed, making sure not to let go once they got there, his name escaped her lips. It was small – hardly even a whisper, but it was real. It was as real and audible as he was – wherever he was.

He wasn't at the funeral. Why Rory had even held out the smallest amount of hope that he would be was beyond her. His mother and father came, both offering a polite handshake and a kiss on the cheek as the offered their condolences. Rory noticed how their demeanor changed profusely while speaking with her mother and grandmother. It wasn't until Honor enveloped her into a hug did she find out exactly why.

_"Does it hurt?"_ she had asked in a whisper. _"To lose someone you love more than life itself?"_

The words and the tone in which they were spoken came to Rory like a slap across the face. She used to think of Honor as a sister and Honor had felt the same. Never, in all Rory's days of knowing how loyal Honor was to her brother, did she think that loyalty would be used against her. Yet, here she was, showing once again that no matter who you were if you hurt her baby brother she would hurt you. Again, Rory felt that bittersweet irony. She was slightly comforted that they couldn't draw up any sympathy for her. It was as if they had a prescribed amount set for everyone in their life and they had taken her share and given it to Logan, rightfully so. He was their son. They were required to hate her. Just as her mother was required to hate Logan. If only she could feel the same…

When she got back to Boston she settled herself in her empty apartment, watched TV, ate, and fell asleep with only a pillow to hold. She was faced with the same empty monotony every single day and when change finally came, she had no one to share it with – until Daniel McMahon.

He was a civil suit lawyer, Harvard educated, charming, handsome. Rory found herself instantly attracted to him. They were in a relationship for three months when he threw the first hit. She hit him back, square in the balls. Needless to say she never saw him again. When he tried to break into her apartment she called the cops and threatened to get a restraining order after publishing a shocking expose on one of Boston's top legal minds. Rory Gilmore wasn't one to be messed with.

Duncan Moore flew out of her life in a flurry when he found the cops were after him. Rory was brought in for questioning and completely honest when telling them of her ignorance regarding the massive amount of drug paraphernalia found in his apartment. It did provide an explanation for the scars on his arms…

However, no shock could equate to the amount she felt when Mike Sanders' wife walked in on them in bed. Her indifference to the matter only added to the gross factor. Rory was gone as fast as she had come – or rather as fast as he had.

It was at that point that Rory had given up on love. Her quest for the perfect man had ended years ago the second Logan Huntzberger walked into her life. She had just been too selfish and pig-headed to see it.

When she was lonely she spent her nights with Alex Lockwood, a widower who had a cubicle a few feet down from hers. Neither was looking for anything, just someone to hold. She would call him, say the word and he would come over, make meaningless love to her and fall asleep with her in his arms, silent as if he were alone. It was the way she liked it. She would close her eyes and imagine whatever she wanted. In the midst of their passion she could see Orlando Bloom, Ryan Gosling, Heath Ledger, Brad Pitt… a different gorgeous man each night, mostly determined by what movie she watched earlier that day. She couldn't think of him when they were having sex. It was too informal, unloving, animal…but when she fell asleep in Alex's arms, all she could see was Logan.

Now, she could see him for real. In the ten years that they had been apart Rory's eyes were finally blessed with the sight of him. His hair was different – shorter, not as wild. He wore a tie instead of going with his usual open collar. He had an air of… maturity that he lacked all those years ago. She could see pieces of his father in him more than ever before – the way he moved his hands while he talked, the humorous yet wise glint in his eye, the way he would swirl his glass in his hand absentmindedly. He looked a little wider - not fat; Logan would never let himself go in such a way – just fuller.

She was so focused on the changes in his appearance that she didn't notice the little girl running toward her. The small brunette clashed into her leg and Rory let out a grunt before looking down and smiling at her innocent face.

"Emma Renee!" a voice called from behind her. Rory turned to find a stern faced mother marching up to the little girl and crouching down to her level. She placed two hands on the girl's shoulders and straightened out her dress straps. "What do you say?"

"I'm sorry." The girl of about three said as she looked up at Rory. Rory smiled and offered a chuckle.

"That's okay." She said as she reached down and straightened her unruly bangs with her fingertips.

"You have a drink at the table, young lady. You need to finish that before you get another one." The mother told her daughter.

"Oh yea!" the little girl exclaimed before running off. Her mother watched her leave until she saw the little girl settle herself at their table. She turned to Rory and smiled.

"I'm sorry about that. I'm Jenna." She said, shaking Rory's hand. Rory smiled and shook her head.

"Rory, and really, it's okay." Rory assured. "My little sister can be quite the handful. That was nothing."

"Kids, huh?" Jenna commented. "They can be little monsters most of the time but every second that they're little angels makes up for it."

"That's very true." Rory said, nodding her head in agreement.

"I have two." Jenna added. "Three if you count my husband." Rory laughed. "My youngest has thankfully fallen asleep in his stroller and has yet to be awoken by the crowd. When you hear a blood curdling scream that would be him."

"How old is he?" Rory asked, for some reason enjoying this conversation. She immediately liked Jenna. She was just one of those women who had a way of making you feel as if you'd been friends for years. She kind of reminded Rory of her mother.

"Nine months." Jenna said. "I really didn't want to bring him but it was either that or leave him with my fifteen year old niece who's definition of babysitting is throwing a kid in a room for a few hours so she can call her boyfriend and have sex on my bed. My husband and I went with no on that one. Besides I get to piss off my mother-in-law which is totally worth it." Rory laughed, thinking immediately of Shira.

"I understand." Rory said.

"Are you married?" Jenna asked. "I didn't see a ring."

"Uh…no…I'm not married. I just… my ex's mother was slightly overbearing."

"Ah… divorced?" Jenna asked, taking a sip of her newly acquired Cosmo and giving Rory what Richard Burke had long ago dubbed the 'sympathetic head bob.'

"Um, no…my ex-boyfriend. We were together for about three years so… it was almost like we were married."

"Oh… that sucks." Jenna said with a sympathetic look.

"Yea… it does." Rory agreed. "Anyway, I'd love to meet your husband."

"Oh sure…. he's around here somewhere hob-knobbing and kissing ass and all that." Jenna glanced around the room before spotting him and pulling Rory along with her. The girls chatted as they walked, leaving Rory completely unaware of where she was being led. The next thing she knew she was standing in a group of men, none of whom she recognized.

"Hello gentlemen." Jenna said with a smile. "Can I steal my husband for a moment?" The crowd acquiesced and Jenna pulled her husband around so he could see Rory. When Rory caught sight of him completely her breath caught in her throat.

"Logan, I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is Rory…I'm sorry I didn't get your last name." Jenna said. Rory was too shocked to form words and she found Logan doing it for her.

"Gilmore." He said. Jenna whipped her head around at him to raise a questioning eyebrow. "We've met." He said.

"Oh…" Jenna said uncomfortably, Logan squeezed her hand reassuringly, a loving gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Rory. She begged the tears she felt coming on not to form.

"We went to Yale together." He explained. Rory laughed.

"Is that what you've reduced me to, Logan?" she snapped. "Is that how you sleep at night?" Jenna looked to her husband with wide eyes and Logan kept pulling her closer to him, hoping to make her understand how much he loved her.

"I haven't reduced you to anything. We did go to Yale together." Logan said. Rory nodded.

"We also shared a bed while we did. Did that slip your mind?"

"Don't make me the bad guy, Rory. I wanted to give you everything and you said no. That's not my fault." "So what you just found someone else?" Rory said as the tears finally started to appear. "You thought 'oh hey Ace said no so how about I find some other busty brunette with no aspirations who'll do whatever I want?'" Logan let go of his wife, who had yet to say anything, probably numb from shock and confusion. He advanced closer to Rory with a menacing look and started speaking in a hushed and angry whisper. He was so engrossed with anger that he didn't notice Jenna slip away into the lobby or his circle of friend's distance themselves from argument that was about to ensue.

"You stopped being my Ace the second you gave the ring back so don't you dare bring her up. It took me three years to put my life back together! You have no idea what I went through after that. My life was hell. I had nothing. I had no one. You have no idea what it is like to move to a city where you know no one and nothing and start your life from scratch after finding out that the person you loved for two years and wanted to spend the rest of your life with thought you were just a passing flit."

"I never thought that about you Logan!" Rory countered, honestly. "You know I didn't. Don't try and make me feel guilty. Some things are just too important to give up!"

"Don't try and make you feel guilty!?!" Logan yelled, incredulously. "Why not. You are guilty. You can't pass the blame to me Rory. I got down on one knee. You were the one who deemed it okay to kick me in the face while you had the high ground. You could have said yes!"

"I had dreams, Logan. I couldn't just pack up and move!"

"You applied to the San Francisco Chronicle! Don't give me that bullshit! If you are going to show up in my life after ten years to _"talk"_ or whatever the hell it is you came here for, at least tell it like it is. You didn't love me. You didn't want to follow me. You would have left your precious mother alone and you might actually have had to try a little harder to make it because no one out here knows who the Gilmore's are. You loved yourself too much to go through such an inconvenience." Logan let out a sardonic chuckle. "And you were the one who always claimed I had ego problems."

"I can't believe that after everything we went through you would think for a second that I didn't love you!" Rory exclaimed.

"You _didn't_ love me!" Logan said as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. "You loved the_ idea_ of me. You loved that you had someone to lean on when things got rough for you but you never loved _me_. Loving someone means supporting them even if you don't agree, not running when things get tough. I lost millions of dollars and yes, I didn't handle it the right way but I was scared. I was terrified and I was lost. So I took a couple weeks to wallow in self-pity. Forgive me."

"When things like that happen you don't wallow, Logan! You go out and you do something! You were acting like a lazy jack-ass."

"Where the hell do you get off telling me that I shouldn't wallow, Miss I-dropped-out-of-Yale-and-did-nothing-for-mouths-because-big-bad-Mithum-_hurt_-_my_-_feelings_! At least my reason was legitimate! What happened to me wasn't just a failure! It was a fiasco of Drew Baylor proportions! If I had a penny for every time Mitchum _hurt my feelings_ I would be able to pay him back for the millions I lost!"

"So all that time you said you'd always support me no matter what I did was a lie?" Rory asked.

"No!" Logan said. "That's the difference between you and I. I bit my tongue. I gave you what you needed which was a shoulder to cry on. My opinion didn't matter. All that mattered was that I would help you through it. The second I made the wrong choice you ran off to wherever the hell it was you went and when I came to talk to you and apologize and maybe get a little comfort after basically being disowned by my father you said…" Logan trailed off… looking upward with a pensive expression. "We'll make up on _my terms_ and I couldn't just win you back with a _grand gesture_. I didn't realize that wanting to find solace in the arms of someone who I thought loved me was such a grand gesture. Oh wait…oh wait… I forgot about the part when you told me that what I did was so… _last years_ Logan, like I was a washed out designer bag or something…that felt nice."

"I…" Rory started to say as her tears came dangerously close to falling. "I was mad…" she said weakly, not having anything else to defend herself with.

"Standing out in the street for hours was pretty fun too." Logan said, shaking his head with embarrassment at the memory. "Jesus Christ, I was such an pathetic ass. I should have dumped you that night and spared myself the heartache later."

"Well why didn't you?" Rory asked "I mean you could have called up Walker and Alexandra and had them meet up with you. Or better yet, Megan, after all she missed her chance before. She was in Biarritz."

"How many fucking times do I have to defend myself about that? We weren't even together when it happened! It has nothing to do with what we're even fighting about right now! The problem is that it's the only thing you have against me. It's like me being mad at my sister the other night for putting my three year old kid in a sugar coma and her saying I deserved it because I decapitated her Barbie when I was four!" Rory rolled her eyes and shook her head, looking away from him. "Why am I even defending myself about this? I don't care anymore. What the hell are you even doing here?"

"I just wanted to see you!" Rory said. "I missed you. Though I don't know why. Apparently you've moved on. You know I thought for a second that I liked her but I guess I was wrong about her. She was just the last in a long line of bimbos waiting for a chance to get with Logan Huntzberger. Tell me how long was it until you were fucking her?"

"Don't you dare…" Logan said, his face turning red with anger. "You know nothing about her! You've known her for what five seconds and you think you've deduced everything you can. You think she's some brainless, talentless, submissive little mouse whose life goal is to marry me and never lift a finger? She's a supervising pediatrician at UCSF Children's Hospital. She graduated from John's Hopkins. I stay home more than she does!"

"I was still a mess when I met Jenna. I don't know what the hell she saw in me. I don't know what she sees in me now but what I do know is that when I tell her I love her I don't bite my cheek wondering if she'll say it back. When I ask her to sacrifice something for me – for us - I don't worry about her blowing up at me because she's happy to do it. She's happy to do it because she knows I would walk through hell for her. I would have walked through hell for you but the second you had to stroll barefoot across hot pavement you were running. You were always running when all I ever did was love you!

"And after all that, after the weeks that I stayed in bed clinging to your pillow and wondering if I would ever be able to breath again without feeling the gut wrenching pain of rejection, I was able to ask her to marry me. You want to know why? Because when I sat next to her at her family Christmas party I looked down and saw _her_ reaching over to grab _my_ hand. When we got into a stupid fight and I walked back in her apartment ready to beg her forgiveness she didn't even let me utter a word before she told me how sorry _she_ was. That's when I realized that for the first time in my life that I had someone who loved _me_ in my arms every night – not my trust fund, not my title as a 'boyfriend' – _me_. And _nothing_, not even the psychological damage that I went through all those years ago was going to keep me from going after that."

Rory closed her eyes at Logan's harsh tone, forcing two tears straight down her cheeks. He had every right to be angry. She had judged him. She had judged his wife, when the truth stood that she no longer knew anything about him. She just couldn't face the pain of knowing he had found someone else who could make him as happy as she did once upon a time.

"Daddy!" a small voice exclaimed, interrupting Logan's emotional rant. He looked down to see his little girl clinging to his leg. For the first time since Rory walked back into his life that evening he smiled a genuine smile. He picked her up and settled her on his hip. Rory felt her heart breaking at the sight. She wanted that to be her daughter.

"Hi Angel. Are you being a good girl?" The three year old nodded her head emphatically and started to play with Logan's tie.

"Daddy, will you dance wif me?" Emma asked, Logan glanced to the dance floor and noticed people starting to flock toward it.

"I would love to dance with you, princess, but first I have to go talk to Mommy, okay?" Emma nodded again. "Why don't you ask Grandpa to dance with you. I bet that would make his night." He set his daughter on the floor and she ran off to his father-in-law who greeted her with a hug and a kiss. She had to close her eyes for a moment to keep herself falling over. He really had moved on. He was happy. The only man she ever loved was the one man who, after she walked away from him, didn't spend his days walllowing in self-dispair.

"She's adorable, Logan." Rory offered shyly, her voice cracking with more unshed tears. "I'm really sorry I hurt you."

"No…" Logan said, glancing in the direction of his little girl and smiling. "Don't be. I'm glad you did." He knew how harsh his words were. The look of utter pain in Rory's eyes made it obvious but he didn't care. Now it was her turn to suffer the pangs of despised love. As for him, he had buried his Ophelia years ago. "Goodbye, Rory." As fast as he had re-appeared in her life, Logan was out of it again. Rory's eyes never left him as he walked toward a woman in the crowd, who pointed into the lobby. Without a last glance Logan took off after his wife. He would take her crying body into his arms and whisper every reassurance that he loved her more than life itself. They would kiss, they would go home, and he would make love to her, his wife.

His wife – Jenna – Jenna Huntzberger.

The last thing Rory planned for tonight was to meet Jenna Huntzberger. She knew Logan would be here. It's why she came. She wanted to see him. She wanted him to hold her on the dance floor and whisper 'I never stopped loving you' in her ear. She wanted to kiss him at midnight and start the New Year with him. She wanted him to make love to her once the night was over. She wanted to start planning the life ahead of her with Logan back in it – her life as Mrs. Logan Huntzberger.

When she walked through the country club doors she had done so with that mission. She was coming back to him. She was going to finally tell him that she was ready, that he didn't have to wait anymore. She had done the career thing and now she wanted a family. She wanted him. What she hadn't counted on was that Logan wouldn't want her any longer.

All her life she had been running. She had run from everything that was the least bit inconvenient or challenging. Yet, she had done so knowing that when she ran back she would be welcomed with open arms. This was the first time she had to live with the consequences of her actions. Logan didn't wait for her. He didn't pine. He didn't wallow. He was stronger than that.

She missed her chance. Ten years ago the man of her dreams asked her to spend eternity with him. Ten years ago, the job of her dreams was more important. Now, as she stood there in the banquet hall, she had achieved that dream. Yet, now that she had it she didn't have anything else to dream about.

Jenna did. Jenna had made every wish she had come true. They were both successful and admired career women. The difference between them was every night Jenna had something else to look forward to. She dreamt about her son's first day of school. She dreamt about her daughter's first date, her wedding day, her first grandchild. She dreamt about a time when she would put down her stethoscope and retire with her husband, spending her days with him, traveling around the world. Rory looked before her and saw only the lonely monotony of independence.

If only she knew how perfect he was all those years ago…

She shook her head as the tears started falling even faster than they were before. In life there was only so much room for if only's. What happened happened. Logan moved on. She didn't. Logan was happy. She wasn't. Perhaps she finally got what she deserved –

A life of her own, completely built by herself, with no one there to hold her back….

….With no one there to hold her at all.

**The End**

* * *

So there it was, my first ever Non-Rogan. Yep, ladies and gents, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm sorry if any of you are horrified that my usual "I love happy endings" self came out with this one-shot, but this is a happy ending for me. If these spoilers are true and Rory says no to Logan, I hope to see her wallow in selfpity while he perservieres.

Logan has done nothing but love her and her selfishness and total disregard for him as a human being as of late has completely thrown me into a state of rage. Frankly, I think he deserves more.

I still have hope that Rory will come to her senses in the finale and chase after him in San Francisco. It is the only way I will be able to respect her character at all. If she doesn't, I would just like to give a big thank you to David Rosenthal for sending girls across the world the message that love is something that should be thrown away when the first sign of trouble and sacrifice comes along. All it does is hold you down and keep you from making it in the world. So thanks, really. It gives me something to look forward to in my life.

I haven't been able to update my stories in a while guys, I know. PT will be up in a few days. But it's like this spoiler has angrily rejected my muse's romantic marriage proposal… oh wait… that was Rory.

Once again, I'm sorry if I've royally pissed anyone off. I just couldn't bottle it all in anymore. I had to get it out.


	2. Chapter 2

So…I randomly wrote a second part to this story, which I wasn't planning on doing. But after last weeks episode this hit me. Now, I want you all to know that this one is really sad in the beginning but it gets a lot happier at the end unlike the first part which is just sad all the way through lol…but it's not a Rogan. Sorry. It's told in Logan's point of view spanning the first three years he moves to San Francisco. I hope you enjoy. Please review all you wonderful reviewers out there! You know you want to! Seriously guys…I don't know what's been going on but I haven't been getting as much reviews as I'm used to. Although I know I'm spoiled so I really shouldn't complain. Lol. Please review though. You guys really do encourage me to write more! 

**Disclaimer**: Oh if only I owned Gilmore Girls. This seasons would not have sucked as royally as it had.

**Lovefool**

**Part II**

He hadn't had a night like this in years. He felt horrible, stumbling into his apartment at three o'clock in the morning after hitting the bars with Ryan and Peter. Although this time he wasn't really drunk. After all he had to drive all three of them home. However, the fact that he had stayed out into all hours of the night when he had to go to work the next morning probably wasn't the best idea.

It had been so long since he had acted so juvenile but he couldn't help it. Once again his life – his perfect, wonderful life – was being destroyed right before his eyes. He was going to lose everything one more time. He was going to lose the one person who taught him to love again just like he had lost… just like he had lost _her_.

He couldn't remember exactly when he lost the ability to speak or hear her name. But he knew that at some point during his move to San Francisco the word 'Rory' was no longer able to escape his lips. The last time he said it might have been the last time he saw her.

It had been almost five years now…five years yet every time he thought of her he still felt a knife slice through his heart. Tears were welling in his eyes at this moment just as they had the moment he turned his back as he walked away from her the day of her graduation. He had never wished to drink a glass of champagne and take a picture so hard in his life.

He'd gone through taco bell for lunch that day, a distant memory tugging at the back of his brain. He was silly enough to think that and ultimatum would make her jump. That because once upon a time he was willing to jump she would be also. That when he leapt off that scaffolding his hand would pull hers down with him. He forgot that her other hand was not only held in her mother's, it was cemented and Lorelai wasn't jumping anywhere. Logan slipped out of her hold without even seeing what was coming. Only this time, she was the one wearing a harness. Logan hit the ground with a thud. He was still picking himself up – with the help of one very important doctor.

Their first meeting was less than remarkable. She had knocked on his door three days after he moved into his apartment in San Francisco, forcing him out of the bed in his miserable, pained, and hung-over state. When he opened the door dressed in a pair of flannel pants and a Yale tee shirt that he hadn't changed out of since he arrived, he saw her standing there looking beautiful and cheerful holding a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Despite his haggard appearance and the frown on his face her smile remained in tact as she welcomed him to the building. She lived directly across the hall. Without a word Logan grabbed the cookies and slammed the door in her face.

He didn't want to be welcomed there. He didn't want to live there at all. His tiny one bedroom apartment didn't have a backyard with an avocado tree. That's where he wanted to live. He wanted the old lady living in the house with the blue shutters across the street from that house to give him chocolate chip cookies not the twenty-something living in the apartment across from him. Most of all he wanted to share the cookies with _her_.

Feeling a headache coming on, Logan had placed the cookies on the kitchen counter and made his way into his cold empty bed. He had wished more than anything that he hadn't gone ahead and bought the King size. Well…maybe not more than anything, he could think of one thing that he wished harder for. It got to the point where sleeping on the couch was the only way to cure his insomnia. And from the couch he found himself staring at the plate of cookies.

His grandmother used to make chocolate chip cookies when he was upset. His mind was flooded with distant memories of standing on a chair and pouring the chips into a bowl while she stirred. Of course his favorite part had been placing the cookies on the sheets. He would always sneak a bite of the dough when she wasn't looking, thinking he was so coy. Looking back, he had a feeling she knew. She never failed in putting a smile on his face even when he had been bawling his eyes out fifteen minutes before.

He took a bite and smiled, that feeling of love washing over him again. His grandmother had died when he was so young that it took something tangible like a cookie to remind him of her. For the first time in weeks he had a smile on his face.

With a sigh he had walked up and made his way across the hall. She answered the door, anger apparent on her face and almost slammed the door at him in return but he stopped her with an apology. She smiled reluctantly, invited him in, and introduced herself. Her name was Jenna Perry.

He sat on the couch and she offered him a drink, which he gratefully accepted. She could tell by the look in his eyes that something that happened to him and she asked if he was okay. He didn't hesitate in telling her no. Logan had always been one to tell it like it was. And right now, this girl was the closest thing to a friend he had.

There was something about her, something in her eyes that told Logan instantly that he could trust her. Perhaps he was hallucinating. Perhaps he was so pathetic and vulnerable that he would have poured his heart out to anyone and this girl just happened to be there. But something happened to Logan that day – something strange and unusual - because he wasn't one to open up to anyone – let alone strangers.

But as this girl sat across from him and looked into his eyes he could see the genuine concern shining through – concern for a guy she had met two seconds ago and who had slammed the door in her face. His emotions were reaching their breaking point and he knew that he had to speak. He had to speak for the sake of speaking before he exploded and this girl was the person he wanted to speak to.

So he spoke. He told her everything. He told her about their first meeting. He told her about their first kiss, their first time. He told her about her twenty-first birthday and the way her grandparents had found out about the intimacy of their relationship (finding himself laughing for the first time in weeks). He told her about their first fight, their make up, the bridesmaids, Costa Rica, London. He told her about the rocket and what a waste of time and money he spent on e-bay. He told her about how wonderful they had been and how he was so sure that they were in it for the long haul. He told her about his proposal. He told her about the no.

The only thing he didn't tell her was her name. He still couldn't being himself to say or think her name. It was lethal to him.

_"I don't have anything to live for."_ He had said. _"I keep telling myself to be excited about this job but I'm not. I don't care anymore. I would rather be back in New York with HPG if it meant I had her. I would be happy there as long as I had her. Here I have nothing. I don't have anything or anyone. I don't have any friends. I don't have any family. I miss my sister and she's pregnant and I'm going to miss it. I miss my best friends. I even miss the insanity that is my parents. And God I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts to breathe. And I just don't know how I'm going to handle coming home to no one every night."_

All the time, Jenna sat on her couch enraptured by the man in front of her. By the look in his eyes she could tell that he wasn't talking to her, not directly anyway. He was watching the wall behind her while he spoke, his emotions so in tune with his words that Jenna could feel him there. She'd wondered how long he had gone without speaking to anyone.

_"She didn't even cry. That's what hurts the most. Not the fact that she ended it or that she wasn't ready to get married yet but the look on her face was so…unattached. It's like I never even mattered to her, like the past two and a half years meant nothing. I just don't understand. She said she loved me. I know she loved me. She had to have loved me. What kind of person gives up something like what we had for - I don't even know what she gave it up for! She didn't even have a job yet. I really thought she was going to say yes, you know? I thought she was going to say yes the moment I asked and break out into tears of joy. I didn't have a doubt in my mind."_

A small part of Jenna Perry fell in love with Logan Huntzberger that day. Never in her life had she been offered such a deep glimpse into a man's soul as she had been with him. However, no matter how deep that glimpse was he remained an enigma to her for years to come. Every time they seemed to be getting closer he pulled away. Every time their friendship seemed to perhaps be evolving into something more she would walk out of her apartment to find a woman leaving his. She didn't know how many tears she shed over Logan in the first few years he lived in San Francisco. She didn't understand.

She didn't understand his paralyzing fear of her. The day he knocked on her door and she almost slammed it back at him it stirred this feeling within him, a feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time but that he recognized and thrived off of. The look on her face when he stopped the door just fueled the feeling more and he had to keep himself from breaking down into tears. He recognized that face – that look.

_"Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-faced miscreant"_

_"Butt-faced miscreant?" "Why would you do something like that?"_

_"I'm sorry, 'butt-faced miscreant'?"_

She challenged him. She made him laugh. She made him scream. She drove him absolutely crazy. She was the one person who was there to help him slowly pull his life back together. She was the person who made sure he got out of bed every morning so he didn't spend the whole day wallowing in despair. She was the one who intercepted his calls from Mitchum on days when he simply couldn't deal. She was the one who kept him away from a calendar so long one Saturday that he didn't realize it was his and _her_ three-year anniversary until it was almost over… and when he did she was ready with a bottle of scotch and some more of her chocolate chip cookies. Apparently she and Honor had been in cahoots.

Yes, she terrified him. Because as the years went by Logan would find himself watching her walk through his apartment speaking of the children in her care and smiling a wistful smiles at the fact that she made herself so at home. He began to crave the feeling of her head on his shoulder when they would watch a movie and he reveled in the scent of her shampoo. She had the most beautiful voice he had ever heard and would constantly catch her singing in her apartment while she was cooking or cleaning. The blush that crept to her cheeks every time was adorable. She terrified him because he was falling in love with her and he never wanted to fall in love again. He never wanted to feel that pain again.

He did the only thing he could think of. He distanced himself from her. He made sure that he wouldn't be able to fall in deeper in love with her than he already had. He would run into her in the hallway and engage in small talk but that was as far as he would take it before locking himself in his apartment, leaving her there ignorant to the tears running down her cheeks. He engaged himself in tall blondes until one morning he finally saw the affects of his actions.

When bidding one of his dates goodbye the door across from him opened to reveal Jenna heading off to work, dressed in dark purple scrubs and her hair pulled back in a curly ponytail. She looked beautiful even in a uniform. They awkwardly stared at each other and Logan watched as she broke into tears right in front of him. Without a second glance she turned and ran down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator. He tried to follow her but she wouldn't speak to him. She didn't want him to take any more of her dignity.

That evening when she arrived home he was waiting in her apartment and when she saw him sitting there she tried to kick him out. She was so infuriated with his presumptuousness that, despite her petite frame, she almost succeeded in dragging all 180 pounds of him out of the door. She stopped however when he surprised her with a confession she never expected.

_"I love you, Jenna. I'm so in love with you it hurts and I'm scared. I'm terrified. I promised myself that I would never put myself in that position again – that I would never allow someone to hurt me like that again and every time I look at you it takes everything I have to keep myself from taking you in my arms and kissing you senseless. I've been trying for weeks to get you out of my head but I can't. I've been fighting my feelings off with dates and by ignoring you but I don't think I'm strong enough anymore. I can't fight this anymore. I need you."_

That night, for the first time in three years, he made love to a woman. He had forgotten what it was like to become so lost in someone - to be so close to someone physically and emotionally. He'd forgotten how peaceful and content the feeling of a head resting on his chest could be. Jenna reminded him of everything wonderful about love. She forced him to abandon his goal of never falling in love again. He had fallen and he had fallen hard.

And now…now he was going to lose it all over again.

He threw his coat on the chair and walked into their bedroom – the bedroom he finally felt content in now that he had someone next to him every night in that huge bed. He noticed instantly that Jenna was still awake on the computer. When she heard him enter she looked up and breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of him.

"What are you doing up?" he asked, walking over to the bed and peeking over the screen which she was trying to hide. "You have to work tomorrow." Jenna bit her lip and looked down. He was going to be so angry.

"No I don't."

"What do you mean no you don't?" he asked.

"I put in my two weeks notice well…two weeks ago." She watched as the reality of her statement sunk in and Logan gave her a hard look.

"No you didn't." He said, shaking his head in denial. "You were in line for that promotion. You're career was going to be set for the rest of your life. There's no way you gave that up."

"I did." She said. "I've been in contact with Northwestern Children's and…"

"Jenna…"

"They seem to be interested so…"

"No." Logan said with a touch of finality. "You're not quitting your job. You love your job. I'm not going to let you give up the opportunity to become a supervising pediatrician. I'm only going to be in Chicago for two years. I can't let you come with me and force yourself to work back up from the bottom again. I won't let you demean yourself for me."

Jenna snapped her head up at him and shot him an angry look. She slammed her laptop closed and shifted in the bed so that she was able to give Logan her full attention. If there was one thing she wasn't going to do, it was going to be letting him order her around in such a way.

"I'm not demeaning myself!" Jenna insisted on the verge of angry and miserable tears. "Two years, Logan! You're going to be gone for two years! What's going to happen with us? With our business hours there's no way we can make a long distance relationship work. If I don't come with you it's over! Why are you so eager to leave me behind?"

"I'm not." Logan said. "You think I want this? Don't you realize that history is repeating itself for me? The thought of losing you - " Logan interrupted himself, not entirely sure where he wanted to take that statement.

"I don't want to lose you either." Jenna said. "I don't care about working from the bottom. I have my whole life to establish my career. But if I let you go… I just…. I can't let you go. I can't live without you."

Jenna stopped when she noticed Logan staring at her with an intense look. She shifted under his gaze uncomfortably, wondering what could possibly be on his mind.

"Logan…?"

Logan could vaguely hear her calling his name as he stared at her but he was too deep in thought to pay it any attention. So this is what love was. It was an epiphany he never expected to have. He thought he knew. He thought he had shared a love with someone before but standing here in this room with this girl in front of him telling him that she couldn't live without him, he realized that he was wrong.

He had loved _her_. He had loved her with all of his heart and soul and nothing would have made him happier at that moment for her to have said yes. But she didn't. Because she could live without him. She never loved him the way he loved her. She loved herself far too much to love him the way he loved her.

But Jenna… He didn't even have the words. So this is what Toulouse was talking about. This girl was willing to give him the one thing Rory wasn't. She was willing to put herself to side for the sake of them. Logan was in such a state of happiness and love that he didn't even realize he had thought _her_ name without a wince.

"Marry me."

"What?"

"I said marry me."

"What the hell kind of proposal is that?" Jenna asked, throwing herself out of bed. "What you're commanding me to marry you? I don't even get the courtesy of being asked? You don't even have a ring! Your ex got a ring and a carriage and an audience and a speech about how wonderful she was and what do I get? '_Marry me_.' While you're so drunk you probably won't even remember it in the morning and I look like Courtney Love."

"Oh I'll remember this…and I'm not drunk." Logan said, nodding his head emphatically while walking up to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "And you don't look like Courtney Love. You look beautiful."

"You're just saying that because you want me to say yes." She teased, chocking on the tears of joy that had started to fall from her eyes.

"No." Logan insisted. "It's true. You're beautiful and smart and funny. You always know what to say to make me smile. You light up my life when for the longest time I thought that I was going to be in the dark forever. I don't know what I would have done without you. Before I met you I thought I knew what support was. I thought I knew what unconditional love was but I was wrong. You have been the only person in my life to love me wholly and completely – even when I was a drunken miserable mess. I love you Jenna Perry. Will you marry me?

Logan watched as she stood in front of her with tears streaming down her cheeks. His heart was thumping so hard in his chest that he thought it might explode. He was so sure she would say yes. He didn't have a doubt in him mind but the longer she stared at him the harder panicked. He was so sure about her also. She was going to say no. She was going to leave him a heart broken mess all over again. How was he supposed to get his life back together without her there? How could she do this to him? Why would he ever put himself in this position again?

"Of course I'll marry you, you idiot!"

The breath Logan let out was so shaky it sounded as if he might be in pain. He looked down at her and brushed the tears off of her cheeks, her smile only widening at the feeling of his thumbs against her skin. Logan leaned down and kissed her with more passion than he thought it was possible to muster and when they broke apart he heard her laughing through her tears.

"Now where's my ring?"

"Well I can give you my ex's if you want it." Logan said with a smirk. Jenna broke out into laughter.

"I don't want your tainted ring!" she said with a chuckle, knowing that he wasn't serious. "I want my own ring. I want a special ring!"

"You want a special ring?" Logan asked. "What kind of a special ring?"

"I want a ring made from a jewel from the crown of King Louis XVI." Logan raised his eyebrows in confusion.

"I'll get right on that." Logan said.

"With a band made of gold from King Tut's tomb."

"Uh-huh…and how much do you think this ring is going to cost me?" Logan asked, pushing her slowly toward the bed.

"Just about a billion dollars that's all." Jenna said as Logan shed his sport coat and gently pushed her on the bed.

"Oh is that all?" he asked as he hovered over her.

"I might be able to talk to some people and get it a little cheaper."

"Is that so?" He asked, his face hovering centimeters above hers.

"Yes." She said. "But only if we stop the ring talk now and you make love to me."

"As you wish, my dear."

* * *

**The End **


End file.
